


we’ll bend (until our souls can’t take it)

by tigerlo



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: And love, F/F, I promise, always love, and there's a happy ending as always, i'm sorry team, this is a little bit angsty but it's all internal angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 10:55:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9437030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlo/pseuds/tigerlo
Summary: Erin has secrets.Well, everybody has secrets but Erin does too.orA story where fear is almost louder than love.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [noracharles89](https://archiveofourown.org/users/noracharles89/gifts).



> I feel like I should prefix this with a note to say that I adore Erin and I felt a bit awful putting her through hell in this, but I really wanted to push the limits of a bit of internal conflict with her because she's such an incredible character to play with.
> 
> It's a bit of a monster so I hope you all enjoy the word count.
> 
> Lastly and most importantly, j - this is for you. I hope you love it.  
> x

-

 

It starts slowly.

 

Not with a bang or an explosion but with the steady cadence of something _much_ deeper.

 

It settles low in her bones and in the spaces between her atoms.

 

It yawns softly and sinks long claws into pale flesh deep enough to leave a scar that will _never_ fade.

 

-

 

Erin follows Abby and turns her life thoroughly upside down and she never looks back.

 

Well, almost never.

 

Because now, now she has a family and a home and she gets to explore things she never ever dreamed of.

 

She gets to quantify and publish and make a fortress around her heart, bruised and beaten by years of ridicule and doubt.

 

And it's amazing. Most of the time.

 

The criticism comes with the territory, Erin knows this well and most she can handle fine.

 

Because sticks and stones leave their scars, but the skin underneath is _harder_ for it.

 

But sometimes it’s not.

 

Her armour can bear the weight of many of the blows that come, but sometimes the tip of an arrow will slip through a bend in the metal and break the skin.

 

Sometimes the words hit too close to the ones that almost drowned her as a child, and she can’t fight the tide that overwhelms her, instead surrendering to the water as it fills her lungs.

 

And that’s what happens, between them.

 

Erin fights and fights but the water breaks over her head.

 

And she’s not sure that even Jillian will be able to pull her back up.

 

-

 

Erin has secrets.

 

Well, _everybody_ has secrets but Erin does too.

 

Some of them are minor, white lies and soft half-truths, but some are **heavier**.

 

Abby, kind, strong Abby knows most of them. But not all. Not the one that almost killed her.

 

She’s never told _anyone_ else that one.

 

Instead it sits in the vault between her heart and her ribs and throbs from time to time, when something rouses it from its sleep.

 

It’s a small thing when it begins. A smile, hands held beneath a lunch table when she was thirteen years old.

 

And it wouldn’t be _anything_ except the hands weren’t rough with dirty nails, they were soft and **female**.

 

-

 

Erin Gilbert falls in love for the first time with a girl who has kind eyes and a warm heart.

 

It's nothing at first. At least it's not to Erin, because she's never really had a friend before so she's not completely sure how this is supposed to work.

 

They're friends. They sleep over. They eat lunch together.

 

And one night in the quiet of Erin’s bedroom, they _kiss_.

 

They swear not to tell anyone, not yet.

 

Because the world might be a kinder place now than it was when her parents were young, but Erin knows some things are best kept close to her chest.

 

And it's secret but it’s beautiful.

 

She's sweet and her lips taste like mint and chocolate and Erin doesn't think she's ever been so happy in her life.

 

But then someone swings a hammer and the wall cracks.

 

A boy, the one that used to push Erin, the one that started her nickname, sees them coming out of the bushes at the edge of school one day and it would have been fine, only Erin panics.

 

And he takes the true meaning of their joint hands easily from the fear in her face and slips a knife into the place where he took it from.

 

-

 

Word spreads like fire in the middle of a drought, and names and insults follow Erin the whole way home.

 

Erin had dropped _her_ hand and hadn't picked it back up.

 

She gets to the house a mess of tears and scratches from running through the woods to get home and her parents immediately ask her what's wrong, their faces alive and worried.

 

She doesn't want to tell them.

 

A small part of her head tells her heart that _they're not ready_ and _they won't approve_ but the larger part says _they're your parents and they’ll love you always._

 

But she's wrong.

 

Against her better judgement Erin breaks down and tells her mother and father everything and she watches as their faces move from concerned to angry and maybe _disgusted_ , before they settle on a tightly controlled neutral.

 

“It's not right, Erin,” her mother tells her. “What did you expect the children at school to say. It's _wrong_.”

 

She looks to her father, the one who is kind when her mother is not but his eyes are steely too.

 

“But,” Erin sobs.

 

“But nothing,” her father says sternly. “This ends. **Now**.”

 

And her heart breaks clean down the middle.

 

-

 

So she plays it safe.

 

She sets her heart, and tells herself that she’ll live a half-life because that’s safer than risking everything again.

 

For someone.

 

And it's _fine_.

 

She lives and breathes and tastes the sunlight, but it's not as sweet on her tongue any more.

 

Then she meets Abby and things change.

 

Because suddenly she sees an image of what it would be like if she wasn't so careful and normal. If she let some light back into the cracks.

 

And she falls in love with it, for a little while.

 

They share ghost stories and Erin doesn't feel crazy and slowly she starts to _heal_ , and the scars fade further into her skin.

 

They write a book together, and when Erin tells her parents they stop speaking to her for six months.

 

And it _hurts_ , but it's ok because she's learnt that their love has conditions but that she doesn't need it anymore.

 

It's the eve of their book launch and she's already running late to meet Abby for their first recorded interview and she gets a call from her mother.

 

An olive branch, of sorts.

 

Only Erin doesn't see the thorns until it's too late.

 

She tells Erin that they're sorry and they want to fix things and they have a lovely boy to set her up with, and they paint her a story of normality that is _hers_ if only she'll give up this ridiculous charade.

 

And she wants to hang up. She wants to tell her mother to go to hell.

 

But then Erin remembers what it felt like when the branches had whipped at her skin and she falters, just enough for her mother to take hold.

 

She doesn't meet Abby.

 

They don't speak again for years.

 

-

 

Erin lives a calm, careful life in between.

 

She plays the diligent, proper daughter. She dates men. She works and works to become a tenured professor.

 

She tells herself that this is enough.

 

And then Erin meets Jillian Holtzmann.

 

-

 

Erin meets Jillian and she feels the earth reorient itself **beneath** and _around_ their bodies.

 

And the lies come to her lips thick and easy as soon as her body moves towards Jillian of it's own accord.

 

Because her heart might have forgotten the cold kiss of an arrowhead, but her head has not.

 

So Erin tries to dig her heels in and pull against the outgoing tide, and for a while it works.

 

-

 

She lasts almost a year.

 

-

 

Erin lets a year pass them by and she doesn't say anything because she doesn't know what _this_ is.

 

She knows she's attracted to Jillian, sure, but if feels like that's not enough to describe the _yearning_ underneath her skin.

 

She doesn't do anything because the idea of actually recognising and acknowledging this is _too_ _much_ and it's _too_ _frightening_.

 

But the desire is almost worse.

 

It slides in beside her at night and drives her hand between her legs, and she just bites her lip and lets it because this is better.

 

Well, it's _safer_.

 

A big part of her is scared, because what they have between them now is more than Erin has ever had in friendship before, even with Abby, and she doesn't want to fuck it up because whatever this is between them, it's better than nothing.

 

Or has been.

 

Because Erin's done everything she could to keep an iron lid on her feelings but she's starting to lose the battle.

 

Because lately the wanting has been clawing at her neck during every waking hour, pleading with an arched back for her to _do_ something.

 

-

 

It's painful because she thinks that there's something there for her to take too.

 

Because she can see the longing _crack_ off Jillian's skin like electricity when they sit too close or when their hands brush against each other and it makes Erin's mouth water.

 

But Erin's not brave enough.

 

Or she hasn't been.

 

But there's always a breaking point.

 

_Always_.

 

And she doesn’t know it until later, but she's about to find hers.

 

Or rather, it's about to find _her_.

 

-

 

And the worst thing is that she thought she'd been so good.

 

So careful.

 

She thought she'd managed to keep a handle on her feelings enough to hide it from the others but _no_. Not from Abby.

 

Abby, who has known her better and longer than anyone else in her entire life, with the exception of maybe now, Jillian.

 

“Be careful Erin.”

 

“What do you mean? I've moved the equipment around before, I know what I'm doing.”

 

“No, that's not what I mean. Be _careful_.”

 

_No._

 

She couldn't mean. Surely not.

 

Because she’s had been so good.

 

Erin felt a cold hand wrap itself around the back of her neck at Abby’s words and settle.

 

“I don't know what you….”

 

“Don't do this Er. I'm not going to spell it out for you, and I know you're a grown up but just…. she’s not as bulletproof as she might seem. And we've got a good thing going here.”

 

“Abby, I'm….”

 

“I don't want your justification Er, ok? I'm just asking you to _think_ before you do anything. Because it's not just your heart on the line here.”

 

It stops her blood dead in her veins because the self-control is fading, but the fear is back pricking at her skin from the inside out.

 

“Don't worry Abby. It's just a….”

 

“Don't say crush Erin. I know it's more than that.”

 

“I'm not going to do anything ok?”

 

“Don't make promises you can't keep Er, just…. be careful.”

 

-

 

She breaks on a Friday.

 

-

 

It's been a miserable end to a miserable week and Erin's _tired_.

 

It's more or less rained constantly since Monday and they've just come back from a bust dripping wet and grumpier than before, and Erin's even _worse_ because she's been waging a constant battle with her subconscious since her conversation with Abby.

 

Because the rational, academic part of her knows she shouldn't do a goddamn thing because ‘ _look what happened the last time you tried to be brave_ ’ but the deeper part just purrs low in her belly and flashes her glimpses of what she _could_ have.

 

Images of hands held beneath the table and long, warm nights in bed together, and lips at her throat and hands sliding down her stomach, and there’s about an inch left before the lit fuse hits the dynamite in her chest, and Erin's almost praying for that breath of wind to come and take this out of her hands.

 

“I'm going for a drink,” Patty says as she drops her sopping wet jumpsuit onto the floor. “Y’all coming?”

 

“Yes please,” Abby sighs in relief. “Give me a few minutes to change.”

 

Patty turns to Erin and Holtz who's standing somewhere behind her.

 

“I'm just going to go home,” Erin grumbles as she plucks her sopping clothes away from her chest. “I don't want to tempt fate to make this week any worse.”

 

“A stiff drink will probably fix about half of those problems baby,” Patty says kindly. “You sure?”

 

“Positive,” Erin says smiling sadly.

 

And she kind of does want to join them but the thought of a long bath and a big glass of wine is slightly more tempting, because she's walking a fine enough line as it is and Jillian with long damp hair is something _else_.

 

“Thanks though,” Erin shrugs in reply.

 

“Holtzy?” Patty asks, looking over Erin's shoulder.

 

“Nah, not tonight Patty-cakes. I might escort Miss Gilbert home and call it a night myself.”

 

Erin feels a thump in her chest at the blonde’s words, because it's not the first time Holtz has seen her home because it is on the way to her apartment, but it is the first time she’s had _this_ loose a grip on herself before.

 

She looks to Abby to find cool careful eyes already considering hers.

 

“Suit yourself,” Patty says shrugging, oblivious.

 

Abby disappears off to get changed then, and the two of them leave about ten minutes later, Abby throwing Erin one last cautionary look before they leave.

 

The room is quiet but heavy and when she hears the door click shut Holtz finally turns to Erin.

 

“Everything ok?” Holtz asks her, looking slightly concerned. “You've been kind of…. _off_ with me all week. If I've done something you know you have to tell me right? Because I never mean it but….”

 

“Holtz, you're fine,” Erin says, smiling softly. “I'm just tired. And sick of the rain.”

 

“You sure that's all? Cause it kind of looks like you've fighting something in that head of yours since Monday, and I could maybe help if you wanted….”

 

Erin mentally admonishes herself again because obviously she’s been about as subtle as a brick through a window but then again, _maybe_ it's just that Jillian watches her more than she should too.

 

And maybe there is something more to it because Jillian's a number of things around Erin, but she's never been _nervous_ like this before.

 

It's on the tip of her tongue and she has to bite the inside of her mouth to stop the words in her throat, but somehow she makes her body shake her head instead.

 

“I'm fine Jill, really. Just a lot on my mind.”

 

Jillian is watching her with keen eyes, like Abby's, that see through the lie like it's water but she doesn't question Erin.

 

“If you change your mind?” Holtz says carefully.

 

“I'll let you know. Promise.”

 

“Rosy,” Holtz says, her eyes not moving from Erin's. “Now, let's get you home and out of those wet clothes, hmmm Doctor Gilbert?”

 

-

 

They take a cab to Erin's and she's about to get out, a handful of notes ready to give Holtz, when she notices that the blonde is shaking slightly in the cold.

 

She _shouldn't_. She knows she shouldn't, but she's not quick enough to bite back her words this time.

 

“Why don't you come up, have a shower here? I've got something you can put on after? If you want that is?”

 

She watches as a light flickers behind Jillian's eyes, and Erin can see her playing with the idea, rolling it around her tongue while she watches Erin's eyes _so_ carefully, almost like she's looking for something.

 

“I don't want to be a bother Er, I'm not far from home now.”

 

Erin’s brain is screaming at her to nod and _leave_ but she doesn't.

 

Instead she almost floats above her body and watches as another version of herself, the one who lives on risks and danger and _lust_ , shakes her head instead.

 

“Don't be silly, you're shivering. Besides I wouldn't mind the company.”

 

It's a cheap shot but she knows Jillian would never, _ever_ say no to a direct request like that. Not to Erin.

 

Erin watches as the blonde's lip curls and she looks straight into Erin, as if to say ‘ _I know what you're doing and you know what I want, so be **careful** what you ask for because you know I'll give you everything_.’

 

There's a beat. And another pause, and for a moment Erin actually wonders if Jillian is actually going to say no but she doesn't.

 

Of course she doesn't.

 

“You're the boss Gilbert, lead the way.”

 

-

 

She sets Jillian up in the bathroom first, because her mother did nothing if not instil a solid foundation of proper guest etiquette in her.

 

“Just yell if you need anything, alright?” Erin says as she pulls the door shut gently behind her, catching Jillian's nod at the last second.

 

She walks to her room, stripping off her own dripping wet clothes and shivering herself as the cool air of the apartment kisses her bare skin.

 

She pulls a robe over her shoulders from the back of her bedroom door, it's silk and light as anything but it's better than nothing.

 

She means to walk to the lounge and sit down, wait for Holtz, _really_ she does, but before she can consciously register what her body's doing, she finds herself standing outside the bathroom door.

 

It's like someone else, the other Erin has taken complete control of her body only it's not, because the other Erin, rational and vanilla and _safe_ , she wants this just as bad.

 

There are a million things screaming around in her head, telling her to run, to stop, to _remember what happened last time you did this_ , but none of it matters.

 

Because the only thing she can focus on is Jillian. _Naked_. On the other side of this door.

 

Her fingertips tingle and her pulse quickens and before she can yell stop for the hundredth time in her head, she pushes the door open.

 

The shower door is glass but there's this sort of privacy panel across the middle that's frosted so she doesn't actually _see_ anything straight away, but she does see long wet blonde hair and bare legs and quick blue eyes.

 

Holtz turns at the sound immediately but she's facing away from the door so she kind of spins to see Erin, her face a picture of confusion.

 

“Erin? Is everything ok?”

 

She doesn't say anything, just walks towards the shower her fingers slipping over the knot holding her robe shut and Jillian's eyes find that like an eagle looking for a mouse.

 

They lock on Erin's hands and Erin watches as she licks her lips, her eyes not moving an inch, as Erin pulls at one of the ends.

 

“What are you…?” Holtz asks, her eyes not leaving Erin's hands where they pause _just_ holding the tie from breaking.

 

Erin swallows around the lump in her throat, her voice sounding small and unsure in spite of the certainty of her blood.

 

“This doesn't have to mean…. we can just do this _one time_ and then it's out of our systems and….”

 

She takes another step towards Holtz and the understanding falls over her then, of what Erin's saying.

 

Of what she's asking for.

 

She turns under the jet of water, wiping the drops out of her eyes as she looks at Erin with eyes that are suddenly sad but so full of _wanting_ that Erin doesn't know what to do.

 

When Holtz speaks her voice is quiet too and Erin almost wants to take it all back because she almost sounds _broken_.

 

“If we do this, I don't think I can only do once Er. Once I know what it's like…. I don't think I’ll be able to go back.”

 

“We'll find a way,” Erin says taking the last few steps so she can flatten her palm against the glass of the shower. “If you want to we’ll find a way.”

 

The hesitation is heavy behind Jillian’s eyes and their breath almost mixes because they're so close, and for a second Erin's worried that she's finally asked _too much_.

 

But then Jillian’s hand moves around the edge of the open glass and, dripping wet, pulls the tie all the way undone.

 

“Are you sure?” Jillian asks quietly, like she's almost scared of the answer. “Because we can't go back.”

 

“I don't think I can anyway,” Erin says stepping closer still.

 

There's a beat, and the weight of what they're about to do settles into their skin and Erin can feel the beast they're about to free **howling** in her chest because it can _smell_ the clean air too, and before she has time to talk herself out of it Erin moves.

 

Holtz reacts immediately, sliding the robe off her shoulders before Erin takes the final step to stand under the water.

 

Jillian’s fingers dance over the bones beneath them and Erin shivers _deep_ because Jillian's looking at her like the wants _everything,_ but doesn't know where to begin, and she doesn't want to be the one to give in first.

 

So Erin does.

 

Because this is on _her_ and she's spent more time dreaming about this than she's ever thought of any one single thing in her entire life, and now it's right in front of her and she _wants_ it.

 

Erin steps in under the water and everything outside of this room washes away when Holtz’s hands settle gently on her hips.

 

She places her hands almost reverently on Jillian's shoulders, her thumbs moving over the skin trying to settle the goose bumps that appeared the second Erin had felt the touch around her waist.

 

“I'm not going to break, you know?” Erin says slyly, trying to spark the fire she _knows_ is in Jillian's blood because that's what she wants - this careful hesitance she'll take later - but for now she wants to **burn**.

 

“I know….” Holtz says slowly, almost distracted. “I just want to remember.”

 

“Remember what?” Erin asks curiously.

 

She looks to Holtz again, her eyes moving from bare skin and milky white shoulders, and Erin feels her pulse quicken when Holtz’s expression _changes_.

 

“What you looked like before I took you apart.”

 

-

 

Jillian moves quickly, pushing Erin against the wall of the shower _hard_ , and Erin almost loses her balance but then Jillian's there, pinning Erin's hands above her head.

 

Her hips settle against Erin's and that alone is almost enough to make her melt but then Holtz moves in, and her lips press against Erin's, and Erin forgets how to spell her own name.

 

Her pulse slows and she could swear that her heart actually stops beating as the air around them **shakes** and then _stills,_ because Jillian's tongue slips into Erin's mouth and she pushes back and it's the deepest, _hottest_ kiss Erin's ever had in her life.

 

It's nothing like she'd always built it up to be, no, that was woefully inadequate in comparison.

 

One of Jillian's hands slides down her arm and into her hair and she pulls Erin closer, because where they were hungry, they're now _ravenous_ and they both need more.

 

They break for air a minute later and Erin gasps when Holtz's mouth immediately closes around the pulse at her neck.

 

“Better?” She asks against Erin's skin, and Erin can feel the smile in her voice.

 

“ _Jesus_ , Jill. Yes.”

 

“More?”

 

“All,” Erin moans as Holtz's hands move up to hold her wrists firm again. “I want it _all_.”

 

-

 

Erin can feel Jillian all over her body and it's still not enough.

 

Jillian's mouth is hot at her neck and her leg is firm between Erin’s and her hands are sweeping up over her ribs to pull gently at her breasts, and Erin's glad Holtz is strong enough to half support them both because she wouldn't be vertical without it.

 

Her moans are rolling off the walls around them and her cheeks are flushed because it was warm in here before, but now Holtz’s hand is sliding up the inside of her thigh and that only serves to increase the temperature ten-fold.

 

Erin’s breathing starts to get heavier when she feels Jillian's hand crawl up the inside of her leg and then _stop,_ and the blonde leans in to press a long deep kiss to Erin’s lips as her fingers rest in the low curve of Erin’s hip.

 

She looks at Erin with heavy hooded eyes and her cheeks are flushed too, but she's watching Erin carefully as her whole body stills for a moment.

 

“Bedroom?”

 

Holtz asks softly, and it's kind of a two-fold question because she's giving Erin an out if she wants it, before anything more happens, but it also opens them up to the possibility of _more_ , because there's only so much you can do in a heated room when both of you feel ready to faint.

 

Erin bites her lip and nods too, because _yes_ this is terrifying but _yes_ she wants this too, wants to do the first justice.

 

Just in case it's the only.

 

“Bedroom.”

 

-

 

They step out of the shower hand in hand, and it's sweet and quiet for all of about three seconds before Holtz tugs Erin to her and then pushes her against the back of the bathroom door.

 

“Is this just sheer coincidence or have you got a thing for pushing me up against vertical surfaces?”

 

“You tell me. What does it mean if I haven't been able to think about anything _else_ since the first time you walked into our lab a year ago?”

 

“That long?”

 

“Why? When did you….?”

 

“The same. Exactly the same.”

 

“Why did you wait?”

 

“Didn't want to ruin things again. I already had with Abby _so_ badly, and I'd just gotten her back and I didn't want to risk….”

 

“I know. It's ok, I know.”

 

“Why didn't you….?”

 

“You're outta my league Gilbert, I never thought I stood a _chance_.”

 

“Out of _my_ league? Jill you’re…”

 

“Crazy? Mad?”

 

“Beautiful. And _experienced_ and I don't….”

 

“It's ok…. It’s ok. I'll show you.”

 

-

 

“Are you sure?” Jillian asks her as she settles between Erin's legs, her hands holding Erin's above her head, a mirror of themselves half an hour earlier.

 

“Touch me,” Erin says rolling her hips up against Holtz's leg. “Touch me and see for yourself.”

 

-

 

It's life changing.

 

Jillian slides her hand between Erin's legs and she moans at the wetness pooled there, and Erin's heart stops because _Jillian's fingers_ and she knows then, with a platinum certainty, that there was no way on heaven or earth that they would only do this just _once_.

 

-

 

Jillian teases her for what feels like hours.

 

She takes her time moving over Erin's body with the concentration of someone trying to remember how to reach the stars before they lose their mind.

 

She moves _slow_ and **deep** and with a reverence that speaks to Erin's soul, like she truly thinks she will only have one chance to touch Erin like this.

 

It’s not softer for this though - no - if anything it's hotter.

 

It's desperate and hungry, and once Holtz starts their touch doesn't break once.

 

-

 

She leaves her marks all over Erin, but in places only they can see, marks that will disappear once Erin slides a shirt over her shoulders and buttons across her breasts, but they are **darker** for this.

 

Jillian sinks her teeth into the flesh of Erin's shoulder when she finally slides inside her, and they both moan so loud Erin's sure the people across the street will have heard because it makes her whole body _shudder_.

 

One finger becomes two, and Erin throws her head back and pushes her spine into the bed but her hips up to meet Jillian's hand, and she feels the air between her ribs _creak_ under her gasp when Jillian drives the third in.

 

-

 

“Oh my _god_ Jill, how do you feel like you're _everywhere_?”

 

“Magic, princess. Now, spread your legs a little wider for me.”

 

-

 

“Tell me what you need Erin.”

 

“Harder. Push harder, _please_.”

 

“I'm going to leave bruises.”

 

“I don't _care_.”

 

-

 

Somewhere along the line Erin manages to roll them, sliding her leg quickly between Jillian's and pushing, feels how much Jillian's _aching_ to be touched slide over her leg.

 

“You're so….”

 

“What were you expecting?” Holtz barks out in a gasp.

 

“That's…. because of _me_?”

 

“Of course Erin. It's _always_ because of you.”

 

-

 

They manage to find a rhythm after Jillian rolls her on her back again - “I'm on top buttercup. I want to see you,” - where she can move her hand against Holtz too.

 

Erin's clumsy and she doesn't really know what she's doing, only tries to mirror what she likes, but it seems to be working reasonably well if Jillian's lack of coherent speech is anything to go by.

 

She pulls Erin's hand away after a minute or two more though and Erin frowns, worried she's done something wrong until Jillian shudders above her.

 

“I can't concentrate on anything when you touch me. Later, _please_?”

 

Erin laughs, but it turns into a moan on the same exhale because Jillian drives her fingers in, puts her weight behind the thrust of her arm and Erin sees **stars**.

 

-

 

“I don't really know what to do?”

 

“You were doing just fine before.”

 

“I know but I want to make you feel _that_ , too.”

 

“Erin you will, all you have to do is touch me I promise. _See_?”

 

-

 

Jillian's responsive.

 

This is the first thing Erin learns.

 

The second is that she likes two fingers but **deeper** , not _shallow_.

 

-

 

The third is that she doesn't scream when she comes, she _moans_.

 

And it's the most beautiful thing Erin's ever seen.

 

-

 

The second most beautiful thing is the curve of her body when she bends under Erin's fingers.

 

And the third, how she moves beneath Erin’s mouth.

 

-

 

They come too much _much_ later, and Erin laughs at the littering of bruises and scratches across Holtz's back when she swings her feet out of Erin's bed in search of water.

 

“Oh my god Jill, your _back_ ,” Erin says, her hand flying to cover her mouth in horror.

 

It’s a mess.

 

Red with nail lines and teeth marks and bold purple bruises.

 

“You haven’t seen the state of your neck then, huh?” Holtz laughs softly as she turns to appraise Erin. “Skivvies and scarves for the week?”

 

Erin watches Jillian pad out of her room, naked but for the top blanket she had dragged off the bed as she'd walked away.

 

She comes back a few minutes later and it just takes Erin's breath away.

 

She has no idea what she's going to do because this _cannot_ be the one and only time she sees Jillian Holtzmann like this.

 

Her hair is soft and loose around her shoulders, long since dry from the shower. Her face is soft and her cheeks are still flushed and she looks young and beautiful, and Erin feels the beast in her chest _growl_ because she wants this, wants to claim it for herself. For always.

 

Holtz must sense something because she looks up from the glass of water and block of chocolate in her hands and smiles shyly.

 

“Hope you don't mind. I always get hungry after…. figured we could use something high in sugar. Just in case….”

 

She trails off but Erin knows what she was about to say, because she hasn't stopped thinking about it herself since they stopped touching.

 

Holtz sits at the end of the bed looking suddenly unsure and so different to the firecracker that had just spent the last three hours taking Erin to the sky _again_ and _again_ and _again_.

 

“Or if you want, I can just go….”

 

“Do you want to go?” Erin asks softly.

 

“No. Do you want me to go?”

 

“I want you to stay and feed me chocolate while you're naked next to me.”

 

Holtz's eyes widen then, and Erin doesn't know what she was expecting her to say, but it clearly wasn't _that_.

 

She understands the hesitation, truly she does, because if they end it now it could be a mistake, a trick of the light. But if she stays, it's an _acknowledgment_.

 

And they both know how dangerous that could be.

 

But she doesn't care.

 

For once in her life Erin doesn't care about consequences, or right or wrong. All she cares about is getting to feel Jillian's pulse race beneath her lips again.

 

So she stretches her hand out, bridges the distance between them and smiles softly.

 

“The morning’s a long way away yet Jill. Let's just forget for now?”

 

And so they do.

 

-

 

She feels the bed dip somewhere in the early hours of the morning and she throws out a quick hand, not bothering to open her eyes when she feels the softness of Jillian's wrist beneath her fingers.

 

“Don't you _dare_ ,” she grumbles in the darkness, her voice rough from sleep and moaning.

 

“I was just….”

 

“I know exactly what you were _just_ going to do. I'm not one of your random conquests from a bar Jillian, I'm not going to wake up alone.”

 

“I thought you'd want me to go?”

 

“What in anything that I've done or said to you in the past twenty four hours gives you _any_ cause to think I'd want you to run away in the middle of the night?”

 

“Oh. Nothing?”

 

“Good, now go back to sleep. Dawn is still hours away.”

 

-

 

“What do you want to do?”

 

“I don't know. What do you want to do?”

 

“I asked you first Jill, please.”

 

“I don't know. You know where I stand. How I feel.”

 

“I know. And I want to do that. Again. But I don't think we should tell the others.”

 

“Erin, I'm not into hiding shit like this….”

 

“Not forever. Just a little while, please? I just want you to myself.”

 

“Are you sure that's all it is?”

 

“Of course.”

 

_No._

 

“I don't know.”

 

“What don't you know about? I thought you….”

 

“I _do_ , come on you know I do. It's just, hiding things makes it messy. And it never ends well Er, ever.”

 

“But we're different. You're different. Can't you feel it?”

 

“Of course I can. I wouldn't still be here if I didn't.”

 

“So that's a yes?”

 

“It's an I'll try. But you have to promise it won't be forever. Because I can't do that Erin, it'd kill me. And I know it would kill you too.”

 

“I know, I know. I just need time.”

 

“You can have as much as my heart can take.”

 

_A beat._

 

“And what about your body, can I have that too?”

 

-

 

And so they begin.

 

In secret stolen moments and chaste kisses behind walls, they begin.

 

Abby's eyes narrow when they start coming in together occasionally so they always make sure to leave separately. She still watches them like a hawk but her protests remain silent, and Erin knows it's because she's not sure, not yet.

 

But she suspects.

 

And it's almost enough to make Erin want to overcompensate because she wants to throw Abby off, wants to redirect her attention somewhere else because Erin's not ready for _that_.

 

Not yet.

 

So she throws a few winks Kevin's way and tries to ignore the way Jillian's face falls when she watches them, her eyes dropping to the tools in her hand.  

 

They go out for drinks later and Erin's waiting at the bar with Patty when a guy walks over to them.

 

He turns to Erin and piles on the charm and Patty shoves Erin towards him with her hip, pushing Erin clumsily into him.

 

His arms close around hers to steady them both and Patty laughs before she walks away, leaving them to introduce themselves because _she_ doesn't know why Erin wouldn't be interested, and he is cute, much cuter than the guys that normally approach her.

 

But she doesn't want to talk to him; she wants to talk to Jillian.

 

Jillian who is watching them like someone's just opened a wound in her chest the size of her heart, but Erin can't just leave because Abby and Patty are watching now too, and Erin wants to make sure they're _safe,_ so she **stays**.

 

She laughs at his jokes and takes his card a few minutes later and she smiles quietly when Patty high-fives her when she slides down into her seat.

 

Jillian's gone quiet beside her and Erin panics a little, because it _looks_ like she's sulking and it makes Erin feel a little sick but she turns, throwing more interest that she wants to in responding to Patty's questions about him, nods her head when Patty asks if Erin's going to call him.

 

She tries to find Jillian's foot under the table but she can't, because Jillian's sitting on them now. So Erin calls it a night instead and tries not to wince when Jillian doesn't look up as she leaves.

 

-

 

She tries to soothe over the wounds much later when she calls and pleads for Jillian to come over.

 

She arrives and Jillian hasn't actually said anything before now, but Erin can feel the hurt pouring off her skin.

 

“I know it's because you're trying to…. _whatever_ with Abby but can you….not? If this is the only way then I don't think I can do this Er. I know I said I could but I don't think I can….”

 

“I'll stop, ok? I'll stop. I'm sorry Jill I didn't think it would hurt you like this or I never would have….”

 

“It's ok, I'm ok. I just….”

 

“I know. I know. I couldn't watch you do that with anyone else either.”

 

They’re quiet for a moment and after several heartbeats Holtz’s hands slide up Erin’s arms, finally.

 

“Can I… I mean I understand if you don't want too, I just want to feel….”

 

“I'm yours Jill, take it. Take it all.”

 

-

 

The guilt doesn't come in the day, it comes with the stars.

 

It finds her, crawls into her blood when she lies entangled with Jillian, her arm draped over the hollow of Erin's waist.

 

Every night she breaks and bows, promises the darkness that she'll tell Abby in the morning. That she'll come clean, will take Jillian's hand in public and let the media take pictures and pull them apart because it doesn't matter, as long as she can have this in the quiet.

 

But then the light brings her fear and she remembers how scared she'd been running home to her parents and the _crippling_ pain when they'd betrayed her, and Erin bends again, at her heart this time, and she bites her tongue instead.

 

She knows it makes her the world's shittiest person because Jillian deserves honesty and truth and light, but Erin thinks she might be in **_love_** _,_ and she doesn't want to give that up to fear because she hasn't felt _that_ since….

 

There's a small hopeful piece of her that knows _this_ will be the thing that drags her into the open at last. Erin just hopes she can hold things together until it does.

 

-

 

Some nights are hard when Erin wakes from a nightmare, but when they are together everything feels right and Erin knows she could never give this up, even if the universe would let them.

 

Erin's hand slides between waiting fingers as soon as they're alone, and Jillian kisses her like Erin knows the secret to life on earth, and it's _beautiful_.

 

They touch constantly when they're home at Erin's, because it’s closer and bigger and lighter, and Erin watches in awe as Jillian opens up to her like she knows she's never done to anyone else in her life before.

 

She tells Erin stories from her childhood and smiles when Erin makes jokes because _god_ , she forgets that there's a **decade** between them - not that it ever matters.

 

They open to each other and Erin feels part of her soul start to shift into Jillian's body through her hands and her mouth and their joint bodies, and she _sighs_ with the ease of it all.

 

She watches two very different versions of Jillian reveal themselves too, the confident one that walks and thrusts around the lab, the one that pushes Erin up hard against a wall or pins her to the bed, who leaves teeth marks that stay there for _days_.

 

But there's another one too, a quieter one who surrenders herself to Erin's touch and who bends beautifully and who moans silently, her teeth biting her tongue because she's afraid to ask for _more,_ and Erin doesn't think she has ever shown herself before.

 

The confident Jillian is the one that makes Erin stop but the small, soft Jillian is the one that makes her _fall_.

 

-

 

It's going so well, better than Erin had ever dreamed of, and the fear at night is starting to fade because she knows now that this is _worth_ it, no matter the consequences.

 

One day Erin wakes up ready.

 

She shakes off the shackles and she resolves to tell Abby because all of a sudden it's stupid, and what had she ever been afraid of to begin with?

 

But then something happens that Erin never could have anticipated, and she watches as the walls turn to dust around her.

 

-

 

They get called to a bust and it's rough.

 

There are two class fives and they're stronger than anything they've had to deal with for a while which Erin deduces has something to do with the fact that they're actually in a graveyard - which sounds corny and like it’s from a bad horror film - but it seems to make them _stronger_.

 

One of the ghosts, a little girl about twelve in a Sunday school outfit, has been throwing Erin around like a rag doll and neither Patty nor Abby nor Holtz have been able to keep the ghost away from her for more than a few minutes at a time.

 

“Oh hell, again?” Erin hears Patty yell somewhere in the distance and she turns, bracing herself for another impact when something solid and blonde knocks the breath out of her lungs, but also her body out of the way.

 

Gasping, Erin lifts herself up off the cool grass to see Jillian standing between her the ghost, neither of them moving a muscle.

 

She can hear Abby and Patty swearing in the background as they wrestle the other ghost, a woman in similar dress but a decade or so older, into a trap before they walk as slowly as they can to the stand-off currently happening between Holtz and the little girl.

 

It's watching between them curiously and Erin can pinpoint the second it all goes wrong, because Jillian turns to Erin with soft eyes and the ghost snaps her head watching the movement.

 

And it _sees_.

 

It reads the connection between them.

 

And Abby sees it too.

 

“It's a sin,” the ghost hisses malevolently before it moves for Erin, barrier or no.

 

Erin's quick pulling her gun up but Holtz is quicker and she disables it with a pulse from a unit on her chest, a one-use-only EMP that stuns with force rather than electricity, and the ghost freezes in place as Abby and Patty move in behind then to pull it into the containment unit along with the other.

 

Erin's still on the ground, clutching at her chest because she's still a little scared and it aches with the pain of one too many collisions against something solid.

 

She watches as Holtz turns, eyes for no one else as she holds out a hand to pull Erin up.

 

Erin's eyes flick to Abby's and then Patty's for a second before they settle back on Jillian's hand which she takes, slowly, pulling herself up to stand.

 

“You ok?” Abby asks, coming to brush some of the grass off Erin's shoulder.

 

“Fine,” she croaks. “Just a bit winded.”

 

Abby nods and Erin half expects her to say something then and there because she hasn't always been great at choosing the right time but she doesn't.

 

She just eyes Erin with a look that says _‘later - if you want’_ and Erin breathes in relief.

 

They walk back down one of the rows, Abby and Patty in front of them, and Erin slides her hand into Jillian's because the others can't see and she doesn't think she cares if they do now anyway.

 

They're almost at the car, and Holtz drops her hand to slide against Erin's lower back when Erin hears this strange _click_ noise and they both spin, eyes alert.

 

Erin can't see anything, and neither can Jillian judging by the confused look on her face so they just shrug and carry on.

 

They're a few steps behind though, and Abby calls out to them, one foot already in the car.

 

“Everything ok?” She asks, a frown across her forehead.

 

“Yeah, sorry. I just thought I heard something but we couldn't…. I don't think there's anything there.”

 

“Good, hurry up and get in will you? I'm starving.”

 

“Yeah me too,” Patty yells from the front. “Holtzy owes me a pizza seeing’s as she ate my leftovers at lunch.”

 

“Patty, baby, I don't think that pineapple ridden nightmare could even _qualify_ as pizza.”

 

“Well you ate it anyway,” Patty quips from the back and Erin just laughs, settling into the back seat softly, her body protesting the movement.

 

“Food or home?” Holtz whispers in her ear as they drive back to the firehouse. “Or a doctor? Are you ok?”

 

“I don't think anything’s broken. Food and then a bath maybe, do you want to….?”

 

“Do you even have to ask?”

 

Erin smiles to the darkness and she rests her head on Jillian's shoulder, nodding in and out of consciousness as they drive under streetlights home.

 

-

 

She eases herself into the bath, looking over her body that is littered with bruises. Some from earlier, courtesy of the blonde moving around in her kitchen, but most from tonight.

 

Holtz knocks softly on the door as Erin sinks down into the hot water, the bubbles kissing her shoulders as she slides below them.

 

“Come in, silly.”

 

“Sorry,” Holtz says, changed into loose grey sweats and a cropped black tee. “I didn't know if you'd want some time to yourself but I thought you'd maybe like this regardless.”

 

She sits a glass of red wine on the edge of the bath and Erin actually moans because it's _exactly_ what she feels like.

 

“Did you read my mind?”

 

“If I told you the truth I'd have to kill you,” Holtz says, smiling as she plays with the bubbles on the top of the water near her. “Are you sure you're ok? That kid sure had it in for you, huh?”

 

“I don't know how mobile I'll be tomorrow but yeah, I think I'm ok.”

 

“Good, I'm glad. It was scary watching you get thrown around like and not being able to get in between. I know we've talked about putting ourselves in danger like that as a group, but I couldn't just watch….”

 

“Jill, it's fine. Really. Do you think I would have been able to do anything different if it had been you?”

 

She shrugs, looking shyly to Erin and Erin smiles back, winding her wet fingers between Holtz's dry ones.

 

“Do you want to get in?” Erin asks quietly.

 

It's not something they've done before, although Erin can't think of why not now the idea is sitting front and centre in her head.

 

“Are you sure? I don't want to interrupt….”

 

“Well,” Erin drawls. “If you don't want too….”

 

“Babe. You're naked and wet. What part of that don't you think I'd be into?”

 

“I don't know,” Erin says, the smile on her lips turning playful. “You've managed to resist my charms so far tonight, I thought I might have been losing my touch.”

 

“The day you lose your touch with me is the day I die, Erin Gilbert.”

 

“Well in that case,” Erin says, sitting up to pull Holtz's top over her head. “Get in here and show me how _into it_ you are.”

 

-

 

Erin leans back into Jillian's chest, her lips closing around the shell of Erin's ear as her hands slide down and over Erin's chest, squeezing at her breasts gently before they move lower.

 

“I never used to see the appeal of baths, you know?” Jillian moans into Erin's ear.

 

“And now?”

 

“I'm _warming_ to them.”

 

“Ha-ha.”

 

“Just to make sure though, maybe you should give me a reason to try them again.”

 

Erin takes Jillian's hand and slides it between her legs and Jillian moans at the wetness there, apparent even through the water around them.

 

“How's this? Enough? Or do you need more?”

 

“ _More_ ,” Jillian moans, dropping her lips to Erin's neck.

 

“ _Always_ more.”

 

-

 

Their encounter with the ghost in the graveyard _shakes_ her.

 

Because, yes she's always known there would be a number of people out there who would never approve of her relationship as long as she was with another woman, and for the most part she doesn't care because they come and go from her life in a flash.

 

But there's something about the malice in that girl's voice that just _stays_ with Erin.

 

Because her voice had **dripped** with it.

 

And a small tiny part of her soul, the place where old Erin still lives, the one who had abandoned her best friend out of fear of what other people would think settles into her chest and says ‘ _I told you so_ ’ and ‘ _what did you think was going to happen_ ’ and Erin can't free her grip no matter how hard she tries.

 

-

 

She withdraws.

 

She doesn't find Jillian's hand under the table, and she doesn't dance back as often, and she feels _sick_ because she watches the way the light dims behind Jillian's eyes and she wants to do something to stop the bleeding but she's a coward.

 

And _she’s_ the one holding the knife, no one else.

 

The dark part of her whispers that Jillian deserves better than someone that's too scared to hold her hand in public or to tell their best friend that they're actually together and she knows it's right, the voice in her head, but she can't do it.

 

She can't fathom the idea of severing their bond because she thinks she _loves_ Jillian and all she wants is to be the one to make her happy and claim her in front of the sun, but the collar tightens around her throat and Erin _bends_.

 

-

 

Holtz calls her out a few days after their mishap in the graveyard.

 

Erin's been avoiding her because every time Jillian looks at her Erin feels a knife laced with guilt slide between her ribs and she can't _breathe,_ but Jillian manages to corner her in the kitchen one night as she's packing up to go home for the night.

 

“I need you to talk to me.”

 

Erin looks around in a mild panic for the others but doesn't see them and her eyes find Jillian's again, dark with something that looks like frustration and _pain_.

 

“Don't worry, they're not here,” Holtz says and it's flat, no trace of warmth in her voice.

 

“What do you want to talk about?” Erin says turning to shove her coffee mug in the dishwasher.

 

“Cut the crap Erin. You know what I'm talking about. You've barely said two words to me all week. Every time I've invited you out you've been busy or too tired. If I've done something wrong you need to _tell_ me, because I've been wracking my brain and can't think of a damn thing I could have done to make you this cold.”

 

Erin's face falls because she knows she hasn't exactly been attentive, but she had no idea Jillian was hurting this much over it, or that she was blaming herself.

 

“If you regret this…. if you want to stop you need to tell me because I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to do, but I think I _lo_ …. I really like you Erin, so that's going to be your call. Because I'm not going to be the one to end this.”

 

She deflates completely and she feels sick because she doesn't want this. She wants Jillian. She wants to be with her, and the fear shouldn't matter, and she wants to scream at herself because it's _not fucking fair_ and _why_ _does she have to care so much_.

 

She reaches for Jillian immediately and watches as the blonde moves for her at once. Their hands find each other and Erin slides her arms around Holtz's waist and she rests her chin on her shoulder and she cries.

 

She never cries.

 

Because the last time she'd cried, properly cried, her mother had broken her heart for the first time and she had vowed never to let anyone do that to her again.

 

But she cries now.

 

She cries for herself and she cries for Jillian and she cries for the first girl she'd ever loved and she cries at the utter injustice of the world, because who are they to tell her who it's right or wrong to love.

 

How fucking dare they.

 

Holtz just holds her tight to her chest, her heartbeat pulsing solidly beneath Erin's lips at her neck and she whispers things to Erin that she doesn’t understand, but it doesn’t matter.

 

It doesn't matter, because Jillian's hands are firm at her back and together it feels like they could be **strong**.  

 

-

 

They go home and they make love.

 

The words fall from Erin's lips when Jillian brings her over the edge, and Jillian moves up Erin's body repeating the words back to her beneath kisses, and Erin's soul feels light and whole and _diamond_ for the first time in her life.

 

-

 

Erin knows there's something wrong the second they walk into the firehouse the next morning, before Abby drops the paper down in front of her.

 

It's too quiet and there's something hanging in the air but Abby doesn't say anything straight away, and Erin feels the dread crawl up her back as she reaches for the paper.

 

It's open to the page Abby's obviously concerned with and she drops her eyes as soon as she sees Erin look at it.

 

It's not a small article, and it's in the gossip section, and Erin's not sure if that makes it better or worse.

 

The picture’s grainy but it's still unrecognisably _them_. At the graveyard with Holtz's hand on her back and then later outside Erin's apartment.

 

She skim reads the article itself because the panic is roaring in her ears too loudly for her to actually be able to concentrate but she catches a few key words.

 

Attention seeking. Another stunt. Isn't it bad enough?  

 

_Gay._

 

Abby was ok. Well, Abby was a scary stretch but she was still ok, but this is too much.

 

“Jennifer Lynch called this morning to say they'd seen a huge surge in popularity in people searching for us, and then they found this in the paper and I think she wanted to come and talk about if it's….”

 

Erin cuts her off because the room is too warm and the light is too bright and she just needs some air.

 

She walks straight out the front door, brushing off Jillian's gentle hand on her arm on her way past, out onto the street.

 

Of course there's someone waiting for her. With a camera.

 

They've tried to keep as low a profile as possible, outwardly denying involvement in anything remotely paranormal but there's only so much they can actually do when they are in fact still busting on a regular basis.

 

So it's almost public knowledge where their headquarters are and occasionally they'll get picketers or protests or fanatics, but most of the time they're shooed away by some of the Mayor’s people but they've clearly dropped the ball today because there's another guy with a priest's collar heading straight for Erin the second she steps outside.

 

He's waving what she thinks is a bible and she hears him yell something about _sin_ and there are a few people behind him taking photos with their phones, and it's suddenly _much_ too much.

 

Erin hears the door open behind her, spins and sees concerned blue eyes laced with hurt and she wants to reach for them, but the talk around her is getting louder, and she can't do this, and they're pointing at Jillian now too so Erin does the only thing she can think of.

 

She runs.

 

She runs from the laughter and she runs from the fear and she runs from the memory of cruel words whispered across the playground that have carved a mark _too deep_ in Erin's bones for her to ever forget.

 

She knows she should stay because she's an adult and she's strong but this is too familiar and her survival instinct takes over completely and tells her to _move_.

 

She hears Holtz call for her in the distance but Erin knows she won't follow, not like this.

 

Because she knows Erin better than anyone else in the world and she knows Erin's running to be alone, or she would have taken Jillian's hand before she took the first step.

 

She runs past the religious zealot and the people with their phones out and the people just staring.

 

She _runs and runs and runs_ until her lungs ache and her heart hurts and she doesn't know where she is anymore.

 

-

 

“She's gone. She just started running and I didn't want to make it worse but should I have gone, right? I should have followed her.”

 

“I should go after her. She won't come back of her own accord like this. She never used to when she had a meltdown when we were in college. ”

 

“Girl, we can all go together.”

 

“No. I'll go.”

 

“Are you going to tell us what's been going on?”

 

“It's not my place Abs.”

 

“Last time I checked I'm pretty sure it takes two to tango. You don't have to follow this gag-order too, you know?”

 

“Who's tango-ing?”

 

“I'm not going to say anything. It's kind of the whole….”

 

“ _Oh_. She's scared.”

 

“Terrified I think. But I don't know why. I've never seen her look that before.”

 

“I have. Once.”

 

“Abby….”

 

“It's ok Holtz. Go. We've got time.”

 

“She wouldn't….”

 

“No….. I don't think so.”

 

“ _Jesus_.”

 

“Holtz wait, come back. She won't. You know she won't.”

 

“ ** _Who's_** tango-ing?”

 

-

 

She feels a shiver crawl across her shoulders when she realises where she is, where she had run to hours after she left home.

 

The gravestones are exactly the same as they were a day ago but the darkness feels softer now, all traces of poison and malignancy gone with the ghosts they had captured.

 

It's peaceful now. As it should be.

 

She doesn't know what the time is but she knows it must be some time after midnight.

 

The moon is high and the stars are bright but Erin's heart is heavy because she wants the one person she knows she doesn't deserve to find her.

 

That's why she's here, as unconscious as the direction of her flight had been. Because she wanted to be found.

 

She could have gone anywhere in the city, probably should have left it, but she couldn't.

 

Because as much as she wants Jillian to be free, the chain between them is too strong to break with her heart as bound as it is.

 

She sits there for a few hours and lets the memories of shadows pass over her skin as she tries to settle her thoughts.

 

She wants Jillian.

 

This she knows with the weight of every atom in her body.

 

And she's scared, but it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Because her mind has spent the last few hours showing her what her future looks like without Jillian, and it's bare.

 

It's loveless and _lifeless_ and it breaks Erin's heart because that may well be her fate now.

 

Because Jillian is more forgiving than she deserves but everyone has their limits and Jillian is made of a breakable mass the same as she is.

 

So she sits, reluctant to break the purgatory she’s suspended in here, and lets the heartbreak of dead stars sing around her.

 

The early morning threatens to break the darkness of the horizon when Erin hears someone move behind her.

 

She feels a jolt of fear before her body settles, and she realises.

 

“How did you know where I'd be?” Erin says without looking up.

 

She knows who it is.

 

Who else would it be?

 

“You're a sucker for punishment Erin Gilbert," Jillian says softly. "Even if you don't realise it. Can I sit?”

 

“Of course,” Erin says gesturing down beside her.

 

Jillian settles down into the dewy grass beside her, close but not touching because she doesn't know what the verdict of Erin's heart is yet.

 

Erin looks at her and her chest folds because she looks exhausted.

 

Her skin is pale and her eyes are tight like she's been holding back tears for hours.

 

“You scared me. I've been looking for you all night.”

 

“I'm sorry,” Erin says and she means it.

 

“Do you want me to go? Jillian asks softly and there's more than one question hiding behind her words. She's asking for now and for _always_ , and she's giving Erin an out before they begin if she wants it.

 

“No,” she replies quickly. “Stay. Please. If you still want to?”

 

“I told you before Erin. _I love you_. This won't end on my account.”

 

“You're too good for me, you know that right?” Erin says laughing through a half-sob.

 

“I'm staying,” Jillian says seriously. “But this has to stop. You have to let me in and tell me what's going on or you're going to destroy us both.”

 

“I don't want you to….”

 

“If it hasn't scared me away before, do you really think it's going to now? Just tell me. We can do this together Er but you have to tell me what's wrong.”

 

She starts crying again because it's so much, and she knows Jillian won't leave but she doesn't want her to stay out of some sense of duty or pity.

 

But then Jillian reaches over and winds their fingers together and it **grounds** her and she feels the weight shift off her chest a little.

 

“Start from the beginning,” Jillian says softer than silk. “The very beginning.”

 

And so she does.

 

-

 

It hurts.

 

The pain of the whole is heavier than she remembers it in segments and as she talks she _aches_.

 

Jillian is patient and quiet but **solid** and Erin watches her shift as she listens, and Erin thinks it might be understanding.

 

Because when she hears herself tell her own story her fear doesn't seem so misplaced or blown out of proportion.

 

It seems justifiable.

 

She tells Jillian everything. Her first love, and her parents, and Abby, and the fear that's had her by the throat since she was a child.

 

She tells her of the pretence and the company she'd kept because she thought she had to, and the way it felt like a prison sentence some days but every time she wanted to challenge it her mother's voice rang in her bones and so she settled.

 

Again and again and again.

 

She tells Jillian her whole life, and eventually she gets to _them_.

 

When she does her heart feels light, and when she looks to Jillian suddenly she feels _free_ and understands perfectly in that moment that nothing would ever stop her from taking this and building it into her chest forever.

 

And she thinks Jillian understands too.

 

She reaches between them and moves closer, because it's over now, whatever the distance between them was.

 

“Do you still want this? Want me?” Erin asks because she has to check, because she feels free but she needs Jillian to have as much choice in this as Jillian has given _her,_ because they need to be equals, now and always.

 

“Erin, I've never wanted anything else.”

 

She feels the thing between them shift and lock into place at Jillian's words, and the air moves around them _welding_ them together for life.

 

Erin takes a breath and for the first time since she was thirteen years old she doesn't taste fear on her tongue and her chest **shakes** because she can _breathe_.

 

“Will you take me home?”

 

“Yes. Always.”

 

-

 

They walk back to Erin's apartment and for the first time since they started coming together she feels _shy_.

 

Because Jillian knows her now. _All_ of her, and she still wants more.

 

And Erin's maybe never realised before but she knows now that she's always held a part of herself back, even from Jillian, but now she is bare.

 

Her soul is open to the air but Jillian's hands are soft at her waist and her neck and she lets the last of her armour drop away because now, finally, she is _free_.

 

-

 

It feels so new.

 

She feels like she's standing in front of a stranger, but not quite, maybe a lover from another life who has a thousand memories of them together.

 

Someone who knows what she sounds when she gasps and how she bows when fingers curl inside her.

 

It feels like they're starting again and it's _beautiful_.

 

-

 

They're slow but there's no hesitation between them, they just _take their time_.

 

Jillian drags Erin’s clothes from her body, lays her back on their bed and starts light, and Erin shudders in anticipation because she knows they're going to come to _pieces_ before the sun rises.

 

-

 

The bond between them settles **heavy** and _eternal_ as Jillian moves on top of her, settling against Erin's hips with her own like they were build to fit together.

 

Jillian's hands are like a match, lighting fire after fire against Erin's skin and Erin moans because it **burns**.

 

But she never wants to feel _anything_ else.

 

-

 

Jillian's mouth is hot at her neck, her teeth nipping and drawing flesh between them and Erin bends up towards it and Jillian _understands_.

 

Because Erin wants to bare her marks like a brand and show the world that they belong to each other.

 

So Jillian smiles against her pulse and sinks her teeth into the skin and Erin sighs in relief and hopes the lines _never_ fade.

 

-

 

“Do you want me bad enough yet? Will you beg?”

 

“I'll give you anything Jill. _Anything_.”

 

“ **Good**. Show me how much you can take then.”

 

-

 

Jillian finally slides inside her and Erin sees **nothing** and then _everything_ and it isn’t like anything she's ever felt before because it feels like Jillian's underneath her skin.

 

Erin wants to drive her harder, wants her fingers to push deeper and she must speak it in the arch of her body because Jillian understands and follows.

 

She shifts her body to put the full weight of them both behind her thrusts, and Erin feels her touch a deeper part of her than either of them have ever found before.

 

-

 

“Stay with me Erin, _hold it,_ just a little longer. Hold on and I'll make you see the universe.”

 

-

 

“I can't, I can't Jill. I can't wait anymore.”

 

“It's ok Er, _let it go_.”

 

-

 

She comes with Jillian's weight between her thighs and her legs wrapped around Jillian's waist and there isn't an inch of space between them as Erin gasps and rises and _settles_.

 

Jillian curls her fingers at the end and Erin buckles and bends again.

 

-

 

When her pulse stops roaring in her ears and she can see again she rolls them, curving herself around Jillian's body like the breeze.

 

She slows for a second, burns into memory the sight of Jillian beneath her, pale and beautiful like a winter moon and it makes her want to sob because this is _hers_.

 

It's _theirs_ , now and forever.

 

She threads her fingers through Jillian's hair, loose around her shoulder, and pulls them together.

 

Jillian leans up to meet her and they kiss, _long_ , and she moves her leg between them, breaking away with a moan when she feels how much Jillian wants this too.

 

She's not surprised because they've been together like this for hours and Jillian hadn't let Erin touch her once, determined to make the beginning about her, but _still_.

 

“You're mine,” Erin whispers against her lips and Jillian gasps when Erin reaches down, replaces her thigh with her hands.

 

“God Erin. I'm **_yours_**. So take me, _please_.”

 

She smiles when she lowers her lips to Jillian's breast and she doesn't stop taking until well beyond the sunrise.

 

-

 

After, when the waves stop sweeping at their feet they rise with the dawn and meet the others and Erin tells them everything too.

 

She tells them and the weight of the secret she’s borne her entire life is gone, _finally_ , with the breeze.

 

-

 

A year later, Erin proposes beneath a full moon and Jillian cries as she says yes.

 

And Erin is never afraid again.

 

-

**Author's Note:**

> hey, you guys are amazing. thank you for reading if you got down this far.
> 
> let me know if you liked?
> 
> x


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